Dear Brantley

I wrote this to Brantley a few days before his first birthday and I'm just now getting around to posting it...

Dear Brantley,

We are a few days away from your first birthday.  Your very first year of life is almost complete and I have mixed emotions all around.  Celebrating because it is such a huge milestone, but in shock because I blinked and my “baby” was gone.   I was going through pictures the other night in preparation for your party this weekend and came across one of us that literally pulled at my heart when I saw it.  You are tiny, curled up in my chest.  My hand covers half of you.  I’m not looking at the camera because I’m way too in awe of you.  My head is down and my nose is on your head, because the first four months of your life my nose stayed pretty glued to the top of your head.  I loved your baby smell and knew I should soak it all up because one day you’d be a little boy and not a baby.

You have grown so much this last year.  I’ve taken your pictures each month and looked at how much you have changed.  Watched how your personality has developed and seen your sense of humor come about.  I’ve seen how strong willed you have become and been amazed at the new things you have learned.  This year is most definitely about you and how proud of you we are as your parents.  But a small part of this celebration is also about us as your parents. 

I have always wondered what type of mother I would be.  How I would handle the pressures and responsibilities of caring for another life.  I won’t lie – I’ve worried I wouldn’t be good at it.  While a lot of my friends just took to babies and caring for them, I was never around them much and didn’t have the experience of feeding, diaper changing, entertaining, nurturing, etc. that a lot of people I knew did.  Looking at this picture I can go back to how I felt this day.  It was only a week after you were born.  A week exactly.  My emotions were everywhere (which resulted in crying on this park trip with your dad because a fly landed on my sandwich – true story).  I was overwhelmed with them and in such a good way. 

You really don’t realize how much you can love someone until you have a child.  I felt like my heart came out of my chest and began to exist outside of my body the moment you came in to this world.  I realized it didn’t matter how much experience I had with other children, maternal instincts are a real thing and they just became second nature with you.  I’d do anything for you and loved you with everything in me within seconds of you being placed in my arms. 

You are the most amazing gift I have ever been given and I am so grateful God picked your dad and I to be your parents. You’ve been so patient while we figured this whole parenthood thing out. I am so amazed at how much you have grown over this year and am so anxious to watch the boy you will become.  Our life is so much more fun with you in it.

We love you so much, Brantley.